Lupine
by c. sherwood
Summary: I have now decided that the only feeling worse then betrayal is that of being entirely alone in a world so full of life...RLSB, RLNT sequel to La Lune pleine Elevée
1. Prologue: Lament

**Title:** Lupine

**Rating:** T (PG-13)

**Summary:** I have now decided that the only feeling worse then betrayal is that of being entirely alone in a world so full of life...

**Disclaimer:** All I own is the basic plotline. All the characters and all the obvious canon situations belong to J.K. Rowling. I envy her. -Charmed

* * *

Prologue: Lament

_Now that I am alone I truly understand the depths of silence. The smoke-like layers of the quiet. The pain of remembrance when it seems the only thing left to remember is pain. I now understand how a man can go mad from isolation. I now understand how one can be isolated in the midst of a crowded street._

_I have now decided that the only feeling worse then betrayal is that of being entirely alone in a world so full of life._

Few noticed the pain as he passed them on the sidewalk. The ones that did took in his battered appearance with an air of distaste and turned away without a word. A drunk, they assumed, or something of that sort. No one stopped to see the intelligence deep-rooted in his amber eyes, hidded behind a constant veil of what seemed like disappointment. The pain that caused the lines on his too-young face, the gray threads in his sandy brown hair. No one stopped to consider that maybe his appearance wasn't his fault...that the scars that crossed his skin were cause for a prejudice that kept him from a decent home, wage, and family. A prejudice he had endured since he was a child.

His steps were slow and even, as if he thought about each one before he took it. His breath was steady, but quickened anytime he brushed someone else's shoulder. Some would say he wasn't fond of human contact. They might go as far as to say he was frightened of it, but he disagreed. If anything, _they_ were afraid of _him_. _They_ had made him like that.

He stopped walking in front of a rusted gate, the medal cutting through skin as he ran his hands over it. He pulled it open, letting the dull screech of the hinges sink in before he slipped inside.

Walking past the pallid gray stones, he couldn't help but hold his breath. Silently, he mocked himself for doing it, just like he always did when he thought he was doing something wrong. He died a bit every time he hurt himself.

Suddenly, he sat down hard in front of one of the graces. He traced the engraving on the stone with one thin finger. His amber eyes shone with long unshed tears.

"Mum, when I was a kid you said I could tell you anything. No matter what. I understand that you said it before the...the incident, but I never took you up on it. You always seemed to be so far away when I was at home. I just couldn't seem to reach you. It's funny. Now that you're gone seems to be the only time I can ever talk to you.

"He's gone, too, Mum. Sirius. Right before the Second War began, just like Lily and James did when the first ended. It sounds so strange to say it..._Sirius_...my first friend. My best friend. The one that was always so full of life, of energy, that could make me laugh despite everything that was happening to me. He was the one that found out first, about my problem. He was the one that decided to do something about it, so I wouldn't be alone when the full moon came. But now, he's gone. He left me behind."

He let out a shuddering sigh, but the tears didn't fall.

"I'm alone, Mum. Like everyone thought I woould be. Just like I heard you say. I could never really be much with what I was."

His words were bitter and his voice rose angrily.

"Well, I guess you were right! They were _all _right...Nothing lasts long around me. I scare everyone away. Isn't that what you thought? Isn't it? How awful to have a son like me! How _awful_ it was to be kin to such a monster! How sick and damn tired you were of trying to take care of me! I heard what people said, Mum! There was no point in trying to keep it from me!"

He was on his feet now, eyes stinging and body shaking uncontrollably.

"I never asked much from you! A home when I wasn't at school...food, if you could spare...but _never once_ did I ask more of you! I never asked you to love me!"

He drew off in a tight whisper, staring at the stone through half-shut eyes.

"I know you didn't love me."

He turned on his heel and strode away, to disappear into the crowd like everyone else.


	2. Chapter 1: Pain

Title: Lupine

Rating: T

Disclaimer: Once again, only own the plot in all of its angsty, lovely, plotty goodness.

A/N: patiently waiting for a review before I post this chapter...really, 122 hits, but no reviews? It takes three seconds to put a little smiley face there, and it makes me very, very happy...ah, I got one! Nyeren, thank you!

* * *

Chapter One: Pain 

_"For I shall learn from flower and leaf_

_that color every drop they hold_

_to change the lifeless wine of grief_

_to living gold." _

-Sara Teasdale, _Alchemy_

Remus hated hospitals. He supposed it stemmed from the amount of time he'd spent there since he was young, but that was only a guess. Not even he wanted to risk delving into the strange and probably frightening world of his subconscious. No, his intense hatred of the places was probably more then that, but at the time he sat in the plastic covered chair next to the air vent, he didn't want to think about it. All he could think of and all his eyes could focus in on was the small figure covered in stark-white linen in front of him.

Nymphadora. That little ball of energy that bounced around Grimmauld Place, lighting up every darkened corner, now lay unmoving, her breath shallow beneath the sheets. Her usual vivid hair was now reduced to the palest of pinks, almost as white as her skin. The freckles that scattered the bridge of her thin nose were set off like paint on wax.

It killed him to see her like this. To know that he had turned only seconds after she had been hit, in time to see her body fall limp as a ragdoll down the steps and land motionless on the hard floor. The feeling of helplessness that had clung to him like a thick perfume since that day grew as he tugged his thread-bare coat tighter around his body. These were the times he wondered why he was one of the few members of the Order to survive the First War. Why he had been forced to see so many good people murdered at the hands of the powerful. These were the times he envied Lily and James. They didn't have to worry anymore about waking up to see news of a friend's death on the front page of the Prophet.

It amazed him that with all that had happened to him in his life, he outlived his best friends. The ones who seemed to never trip back at school, who never showed how tired they were, who never turned into a monster at a change in the moon...who didn't face hurting themselves every month. Who didn't display scars from their own hands against their skin. Why was he the only one? The one nobody thought would even make it through school. The one who could barely seem to make it through the day sometimes...

Remus didn't allow himself to cry anymore. He had learned to hold all of his emotions in till he was alone at night, which proved well when he had to keep his secret from his friends all those years. Of course, it stopped working when Sirius heard him in the middle of the night. That started his investigation, that led to the three of them figuring out who he really was. And the world didn't end. They were still his friends, even after he had lied to them, even after they found out about his lycanthropy...it truly made him wonder how he had doubted them for so long.

He was interrupted from his train of thought at the sound of a small cry. He stumbled to his feet and saw dark eyes open slowly to stare up at him. She tried to say something, but her voice was too hoarse from not being used. He saw the tears spill down her cheeks and knelt next to her. She sobbed softly, and he took her hand.

"Remus." she managed to whisper, and she reached out a trembling hand to push a lock of hair out of his face.

"Should I get a nurse?" he asked, and she started to cry again. He looked uncomfortable. She didn't answer, but as if she had heard him, the nurse came rushing in. She was a thin woman with bright eyes and a very business-like manner.

"We'll have to ask you to wait outside, sir." she said, and Remus nodded slowly, eyes still on Tonks as the tears fell like silent diamonds down her cheeks. Her eyes never left his as he walked from the room, feeling terrible about leaving her alone. They shut the door behind him. He sank to the floor in the hallway, leaning against the white-washed walls with a long sigh. Several minutes passed as he studied the cold tile beneath him, until he heard a scream from inside the room. He resisted the urge to go back in, but for the first time in years a tear escaped his eyes, making a slow track and hitting the floor inaudibly. He drew his knees tight against his chest and lay his head on them, overwhelmed with the power of everything hitting him at once as she screamed again. This time he heard the door open and he realized that the nurse was coming out. He struggled to his feet.

"Is she all right?" he asked desperately. The nurse studied him for a moment, then nodded.

"She should be fine." Remus didn't bother to hear the rest. He rushed back into the room to find her sobbing into her pillow.

"Nymphadora?" he asked softly, sitting in the chair again and leaning forward to look at her. She turned and managed to sit up and return his gaze through swollen eyes.

"What happened?" she asked fiercely, breath hard as if she was fighting off another surge of tears, "What happened to everyone?"

"They're fine. Except for..." he drew off, the words suddenly hard to get out.

"No. Oh, no, no, no." she murmured, shaking her head, hair obscuring her face, "Who?"

"Sirius." No matter how many times he said it, it always felt like a lie.

"He's not dead. He _can't_ be dead. He's _Sirius_." she whispered. He made a slight noise that sounded like a laugh.

"That's what I thought."

"Who did it?" her voice was shaky and high.

"Bellatrix."

"Oh...oh, it's my fault! It's my fault, Remus! I was fighting her...I...if I could've stopped her before, then...then he would still-" He cut her off abruptly, voice sharp.

"Don't you _dare_ blame yourself." He caught himself before he said more then continued, tone gentler, "There was nothing you could have done, Nymphadora. Nothing. If this was Sirius's time to...to pass, then..."

"Don't tell me you believe in something as idiotic as fate, Remus. I thought you were supposed to be intelligent. There is no damn reason that Sirius should have died. NONE."

"I don't know." he murmured, looking down. She frowned slightly, wiping her eyes and reaching out to slip her hand in his.

"I'm sorry." she whispered, "I know he was your best friend."

"My only friend." She drew back at the harshness in of his words.

"I'd like to be your friend." she said softly, "If you'll let me." For a moment she thought she saw the gentle curve of a smile on his mouth, but he didn't look up. Something kept him from looking at her.

"I'd like that." he said after several long minutes of silence.

* * *

Remus sat on the steps of Number 12, watching the people pass by with their even eyes and backwards smiles. It was hard for him to stay in the house for long periods of time. Every things reminded him of Sirius, trapped in the place he had thought he had finally escaped, more of hell then he should ever have experienced, especially after Azkaban. The shadows that danced and lilted across the walls as the moon shot beams through the windows of the library showed him glimpses of dogs and matted hair, gaunt and dark and saddened with the weight of too many years in the dark. 

Outside the sunlight fell on his shoulders, the gentleness of spring still leaving its traces, but wasted. The sun didn't seem quite as welcoming as it had before, when it was the moon he feared...but now he longed for the full moon, bright and orange in the sky, to bring back the ecstasy of not being able to _feel_. Lately, he had been feeling far too much, to the extent that physical pain was all that could take his mind off of it.

He stared down at the pale skin of his wrist exposed from the sleeve of his shirt and sighed. Amidst the array of accidental scars, almost invisible now, were the thin and harsh red lines from the past few nights. He didn't want to look at his arms, didn't dare pull the sleeves back to reveal what the pain had done to him.

He tore his eyes away to examine the crowd again and to his surprise saw a small pink head bobbing amongst them. Soon Tonks fully came into his view, leaning for support on a cane and limping slightly. She gave him a small smile as she neared, then sank down on the step below him.

"They said my magic wouldn't be strong enough to apparate." she explained, "but I needed to strengthen my legs, so walking would be a good idea. No, they couldn't give me transportation of any sort, I had to _walk_ on these bloody difficult legs."

"Hello, Nymphadora." he said, laughing slightly, the action feeling like alcohol in his throat. She watched him for a moment then continued.

"I never, ever want to go back there, Remus." she said, eyes serious.

"I understand." he replied.

"I _hate_ not knowing what's going on. I can't believe I slept for three days while all this was happening."

"It couldn't be helped."

"I know. Look, I'm going to go inside..." she said, and he nodded then stood and opened the door for you. She smiled at him.

"Thanks."


	3. Chapter 2: Dreams

Title: Lupine

Rating: T

Disclaimer: All hail Queen Jo, because I own nothing but the plot.

A/N: Bryseis, Remus is my favorite character, too and I'm glad you think that I write him well. I never think I do him enough justice, but I try. This is where the story hits the brief hints of slash...nothing big but it's there, so Remus/Sirius shippers (of which I am only slightly) rejoice.

Chapter 2: Dreams

_"Last night the full moon's frozen stare _

_Struck me, perhaps; or did you say _

_Really,—you 'd come, sweet friend and fair! _

_To-day?"_

-Théophile Julius Henry Marzials, _Carpe Diem_

The last thing Remus remembered seeing before it happened was the blood red moon, flooding his room with a dull light. Suddenly, he felt his stomach lurch and his bones felt as if they were all breaking at once, snapping out of place and shrinking. His skin rippled and he felt as it tore and fur grew, gray and brown and slick. _This isn't right_...he thought, still retaining his human mind as his feet hit the ground, now rough paws. His eyes glowed yellow in the light.

Suddenly, he heard movement and his wolf instincts made him lunge for whatever was there as his mind was screaming. His teeth sank into flesh, the sickening metallic taste of blood filling his mouth. Everytime he transformed, he lusted for that taste. He heard a scream pierce the night, and he let go, backing up just as Tonks's body slipped to the floor, a pool of blood near her...

He woke a second after, face pale and hair soaked with sweat. Stumbling out of the chair he had fallen asleep in, he walked quickly from the library and to her bedroom door. Quietly, he knocked. No one answered. He felt his heart skip a beat as he opened the door and looked inside. She lay in her bed, sleeping quietly, dark lashes touching her cheek. He let out a breath he realized he had been holding. It really was a dream.

Gently, he shut the door and sank down against the crumbling wall, shutting his eyes against the overwhelming darkness. This was why he was uncomfortable around people. This happened everytime he started to get close to someone. He'd been having that dream since he was in school, where he could see what he was doing but couldn't stop it...his mind settled on the Imperius Curse, and he shuddered. That must have been what it felt like.

The shadows twisted around him and he gave himself up to catalepsy, slipping into the darkness that he hoped would offer momentary peace.

* * *

"Remus?" He felt someone shake his shoulder gently and his eyes opened slowly to see Tonks kneeling by him, looking concerned. He groaned as he stood, stretching his aching legs. She rose with him. 

"What were you doing out there?" she asked.

"I'm not sure." he murmured, not knowing how to tell her and feeling satisfied with his lie. She raised an eyebrow but didn't press further and went downstairs. He watched her go through half-blurred vision then followed, walking carefully on the steps. Sleeping in a hallway was not a good idea for someone like him.

A few minutes later he sat at the table, a cup of coffee clutched in his hands. He wanted something stronger, to fight the throbbing pain in his head but figured it best to keep with straight black coffee. Alcohol in the morning affected him in odd ways.

As she sat, breaking her toast into tiny crumbs she watched him take a drink, then look around, then take another drink, grimace and look down at the words carved into the table.

_Messr. Padfoot was here and would like to extend his greetings to the miserable gits he is forced to call a family._

Remus choked on his coffee. Sirius's mother must have hexed him for that one...Tonks smiled as she saw him laugh, but the laugh still sounded more like a sob then anything. He hadn't_ really _laughed for a long time. He took one last sip of his drink then flicked his wand to clean it and put it up. She stared down at her plate for a moment then did the same. She stood.

"I've got to get to work, Remus." she said, breaking the awkward silence that had spread across them. She hesitated then took a step forward and hugged him. He stiffened in her embrace and she let go, carefully glancing up at him once, then walking away. He waited until he couldn't see her any longer to go upstairs.

* * *

Later that day he sat in the library, sleeves rolled up to his elbows, a heavy book resting in his rough hands. His arms bore bandages, white against his skin, and showing lines of crimson beneath them. He looked at the book but he didn't read it. He found it hard now to concentrate on one line at a time, the words just became jumbled and blurred on the page as his mind drifted to other things. Hurt and life...and lately, Tonks. 

Finally he gave up and sat the book carefully aside. The full moon was in two days, and he could already feel the affects on his body. His limbs were still tired, but now they ached with every sudden movement and he could barely keep his eyes open. He needed chocolate. If there was one thing that he trusted to calm his nerves, it was that.

He walked downstairs and rummaged through the cabinets until he found the bar of Honeyduke's best that he always kept there, just in case, and broke off a chunk. He let it dissolve in his mouth as he sank into a chair. This was his drug of choice.

He had almost finished the whole bar when Tonks walked in again, a large stack of papers resting haphazardly in her hands. He bit his lip to keep from crying out and rolled his sleeves down under the table. She couldn't see him like that. She couldn't. She smiled at him shyly as she dropped the papers on the counter.

"Kingsley is evil." she murmured, looking at them with distaste, then back at him, "Oh. Is it...the full moon already?" She looked hesitant to talk about it, always unsure of how he'd react. He nodded wordlessly. She took a seat next to him and he met her eyes briefly before looking away.

"Are you going to be all right?" she whispered, one small hand resting on his knee. He flinched at her touch, but he didn't pull away this time.

"I don't know." he murmured...and suddenly her face was very close to his, and her eyes were burning thick holes in his skin, making him feel like he'd only felt with one other person before...and before he could stop himself, he had closed the inches between them and pressed his lips to hers, dry and cracked and warm. She drew in a breath as she looked at him, dark eyes over-bright. _Oh, God_...he thought..._I didn't...I couldn't have...Oh, damn. This is Nymphadora. Dora. I've known her since she was born, for God's sake! Damn...you bloody idiot! How could you do this? Look. She's horrified. You knew this would happen. You knew it!_

_...she isn't Sirius._


	4. Chapter 3: She isn't Sirius

Title: Lupine

Rating: T

Disclaimer: ...I _wish_ I owned them. I just snuck in to play.

A/N: I think this is my favorite story that I've written so far...It's a lot harder to write, though. Angst is always like that, and considering this is my first fic that has the slightest bit of slash in it, just makes it more difficult. Please tell me if I'm doing it okay. I'm trying to veer away from fluff in most shapes and forms.

* * *

Chapter Three: She isn't Sirius

_"I dreamed that I stood in a valley, and amid sighs,_

_For happy lovers passed two by two where I stood;_

_And I dreamed my lost love came stealthily out of the wood..."_

-William Butler Yeats, _He Tells of a Valley Full of Lovers_

A single silent tear ran a translucent track down her cheek as they sat, shocked and full of quiet, thick as smoke in their throats. His eyes stayed locked on the wall behind her, or on the floor, or on the dusty window that from which the late afternoon light shown through. She stared at him, willing him to meet her eyes, to say something. Anything. Anything to break the silence.

"Are we going to talk about this?" she cried finally, and he glanced up, then shrugged. There was nothing he could say.

"No!" Her voice was sharp and cut through him like wire, "_Talk_ to me!" She stood, knocking over her chair in the process. It fell to the floor with a crash, and an arm broke off, flying across the room and stopping as it hit the door.

"Calm down, Nymphadora." he said, voice shaking the slightest bit.

"My name is NOT Nymphadora!" she yelled, kicking her chair out of the way as he stood. She moved to stand in front of the door, blocking it, "And you aren't going anywhere until you tell me why you're acting like this."

"I'm not 'acting' anything." he said, "but I was wrong. You know we can't...be..._anything_." He tried to keep his voice calm, but it wasn't working.

"You can't tell me that meant nothing to you." she whispered.

"I'm not. But it doesn't matter." he took a step forward, and she moved so her back was pressed hard against the door.

"Then why the hell did you kiss me?" she asked, voice raised and he was glad no one else could hear them. He could just feel the sympathy of their gazes as he shook his head.

"I don't know. Let me out, Nymphadora." he said softly.

"No." His temper flared. He felt the strange urgings for pain that always came before the full moon but were lately coming every day, every hour. He felt his heard leap in his chest, a dull throbbing against his bones and he took another step forward. She blinked as he pushed her roughly aside and strode out the doorway. He didn't look back, just quickened his pace as he heard her footsteps behind him.

"Remus!" she called, but he ignored her, stumbling into his room and slamming the door as she came up behind him. She knocked. He sat down on his bed. She opened the door and took a step in. "Please tell me what's wrong." Her whisper sounded desperate against the silence.

"Nothing's wrong." He lied...again. He remembered Sirius saying the day that he would lie would be the day the world ended, and Remus wondered if he was right. He felt her sit beside him, and a hand press itself to his cheek. He turned his head at the touch and their eyes met for an instant. He felt her breath lightly mingle with his own as she pulled his face down to kiss him, once, softly, nothing like he'd ever imagined. She wasn't Sirius, and yet she embodied everything that he had ever meant to him. Every touch, every rough brush of damp lips against his, the dark hair mingling impatiently with his own. In her eyes he saw the glint that ran in the Black family, the raw determination. But he still couldn't let her touch him.

She gasped as he pushed her away, but gently this time, just as her hands were running over his arms, so that the stinging pain was brought back to his mind, a mixture of held back tears and ecstasy. He winced as she took his arms and pulled back the sleeves, confused eyes resting on the bandages as shaky hands carefully undid them. She saw the scars running across his arms, still stained with dried blood, but she didn't understand them. Why they were there.

"This isn't from the transformation." she whispered, blinking, then looking up at him. He shook his head mutely. "You did this on...purpose?" He nodded, but she still looked confused. "Why?"

He didn't answer for a moment, thinking over what she had asked. Why? Why did he do it? Why did he hurt himself like that?

"Because I need to know I can feel something other then loss." he replied finally, evenly, as though sure of what he had to say and knowing nothing could change it. She stared at him, then deftly put the bandages back on. "You need to go, Nymphadora."

She shook her head. "I don't want to."

"Leave." he said, voice growing sharp despite his sharpness. She looked at his arms again and started to cry. He sighed then left the room, without another word. If she wasn't going to, then he had to. He made his way to the library, shut the door, and locked it behind him. He wasn't going to say anymore tonight. He had already revealed too much, and with that given away a part of himself, a bit of his grief onto her small shoulders. Now she would worry and wish and pray, unable to look him in the eyes anymore. He frowned as he sat in one of the chairs, pulling his feet up behind him and closing his eyes for what he knew would be a sleepless night just like so many others.

* * *

The next morning he woke from his half-sleep and slipped out of the chair and out of the room. He saw his door was still open, and gingerly stepped through it, strangely almost smiling at seeing her lying with the sheets wrapped around her, the only thing visible was her small, tear-streaked face among the billows of off-white fabric. She stirred at the sound of his footsteps, but he quickly walked away before she woke.

He walked out of the house and down the street, cold in the morning air and wearing the same wrinkled clothes from yesterday. There were few people on it now, just workers and business men in crisp suits and tennis shoes. He walked with his head down, studying the vegetation growing amidst the cracks in the sidewalk, a small frown on his face. Soon he found himself at an old park, overgrown but there were still couples playing there with their children. A little boy ran across the path to his father's arms, and Remus felt sympathetic for him. Someday, they would lose each other and only have memories. And memories were the only thing that kept him alive.


	5. Chapter 4: Memories

Title: Lupine

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I only write these every time because they don't have to be sad. I'm not exactly happy that I don't own these characters. I love my plot, though.

A/N: I'm writing this without the luxury of reviews (hint, hint). It could be improved _so _much more, though...

* * *

Chapter 4: Memories

"_What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life - to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories_."

-George Eliot

His shoes made slight noises on the hard sidewalk as he walked back, emotion only showing in his eyes, otherwise his face a calm mask. His mind was back to his 3rd year, when Sirius had first thought of having his friends over to his house. He always loved to test his parents' limits, to see how far he could stretch their patience, or what little they had. The night was still vivid in his memory, as they walked up the cold street that he stood on now to get to Grimmauld Place...everyone worried but Sirius, who had nothing left to be worried about, whose general pride kept him from worrying about anything. Soon they stood on the front steps, as Remus did now, and he was the first one to voice his doubt.

"Are you sure about this, Sirius?"

Sirius just fixed him with that steady gaze that made anyone at anytime take back what they just said, his grey eyes sparked and bright, and nodded slightly. No one could argue with him, they just pulled their coats tighter and waited as he knocked on the large and forboding black door, the paint glossy yet dark in the dusky light.

The rest of that day was spent avoiding his mother, hiding in Sirius's room with the door locked and ignoring the screams and obscenities from below them. It hurt to look him in the eyes after that, to see what he had to deal with every summer and why he longed to get back to school, just like Remus did.

A face brought him back to reality, pale and heart-shaped and staring at him from his bedroom window. He realized he was still standing on the steps, his hand raised to knock. He shook his head and opened the door, trying to forget all that they had in common. Both outcasts from their families, angry and needing love. Their personalites clashed horribly, though, Remus, the quiet, studious stereotypical bookworm and Sirius. Sirius...he was a category unto himself, all grins and shaggy hair.

As he made his way through the house, up the stairs and into the library, he couldn't get his face from his mind. The graceful arch of his body as he fell though the veil, tattered and broken. That was what hit him the hardest, that someone with all that passion could leave them so easily. In seconds, the longest seconds he'd ever endured...he was gone. With him went everything Remus had ever believed in. Of love. Of a life renewed. Everything that Tonks seemed to now want from him, everything that she'd told him through that kiss.

The question now was...could he give it to her, and get it back himself?

* * *

Later that day, Remus still hadn't come out of the library. He listened as she moved quietly through the house, and he tried to ignore it but the footsteps echoed. They filled the room and his body and he couldn't think straight. He wanted to talk to her. He couldn't talk to her. He groaned slightly when he heard the audible growling in his stomach, realizing he hadn't eaten since lunch yesterday. But he could still hear as she paced the kitchen floor so decided to wait. It wasn't worth it to have to explain everything to her, and he knew he would have to.

So instead he thought about her. How at times he loved her, longer for her, needed her, but at other times hated her. For making him feel this way again. For looking at him and seeing _everything_ he didn't want her to.

He had to get away from the house, before he did something he regretted.

So, getting up and slipping down the stairs, he saw her sitting at the table, a glass in her hand. She didn't look up, he supposed she didn't hear him and he looked at her drink and could smell the alcohol from where he stood. And that wasn't her first glass. He took another step off the stairs, and she let out a small cry and turned. Her face was pale but her cheeks were pink, and her hair pressed against her head limply. She didn't look away and he stood, feeling terrible. This was his fault. He took a step towards the door, whispered, "I'm sorry." and fled.

He didn't know where he was going, but soon could only think of one place. He knew of nowhere else to go, and there was no one there anyway. Maybe he could talk to the Headmaster, then, and find himself some sort of real job for the Order instead of keeping house at Grimmauld Place. And so he found a dark corner and disapparated, stumbling as he found himself at the gates of Hogwarts. He took in a sharp breath at the flood of unwelcome memories and of the ones that were yet to come, but reached out a hand and pulled the gate open anyway. His feet roamed the familiar grounds until he found himself facing the Willow once again. He had a strange and sudden urge to smile as he darted forward and touched the knot, slipping through the tunnel.

A few minutes later he found himself in the bedroom of what they had begun to call The Shrieking Shack. The bed that sat there was torn and ripped and it hurt to look at it. His mind flashed back to 7th year...

"Moony?" He looked at Sirius, pale and sweaty after transforming from his animagus form but didn't answer him. He couldn't look away, though.

"Are you okay, Moony?" He was sitting next to him on the bed, black hair obscuring his face as he looked at him with concern. Remus blinked but nodded, swallowing hard. Sirius's eyes shone brightly in the darkness of the room and he didn't know what to do as his lips, damp and soft and warm, brushed the skin of his neck...

Now it was the first time they had managed a transformation together, and Sirius had a long cut down his cheek that wouldn't be healed. Remus was angry with himself and Sirius could tell.

"It's all right, Moony. Really." he had said, trying to comfort him, trying to be Padfoot, trying to make him laugh, "I mean, the scar will make me a hit with the girls."

Remus tried to smile and Sirius saw that he couldn't but he didn't know what to do about it. James and Peter would be coming through the tunnel to them any minute...

He saw the dark shadow of a dog shift across the wall, and he surveyed it with his sharp canine eyes. These were the things he remembered when he was a wolf, other then the sickly taste of blood and flesh in his mouth...

Remus didn't want to go back to reality, because he knew that even when he stopped believing in it, it would still be there. It never faded, not until you slip away...or fall. To wherever you go when the breath stops coming from your mouth. Paradise. Or hell. All he knew is that Padfoot would be there, so he could bear any hell that was thrown at him.

He felt his head hit the pillow, pressed into a pale indention, and ignored the hunger and the pain as he went to sleep.


	6. Chapter 5: Full Moon

Title: Lupine

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, I don't own the setting, I just snuck in to play with them.

A/N: Bri, I have a feeling you're being modest about not being much of a writer. I hope to read some of your stories soon! You merit a hug from a later, less stubborn Remus I think you're the only one reading this story, but at least someone is and your reviews are lovely.

* * *

Chapter 5: Full Moon 

"_The moon is a friend for the lonesome to talk to_."

-Carl Sandburg

Remus woke to darkness, the almost full moon casting shadows across the ceiling as he stared up at it. He knew he should get up, he knew that it would be morning soon and he had to be back to receive his potion. He knew these things, but he couldn't make himself stand. The bed was warm, the sheets tangled tightly around him, and he'd been having the most angelic dreams...full of light and fleeting touches. The dull grind of hunger woke him up to reality, though, and he managed to stand. His eyes traveled the room for a moment before he found his wand on the bedside table, then apparated. He stumbled slightly as he found himself in his room, retaining his balance by grabbing his headboard.

He started when he saw he wasn't alone. Tonks was sitting cross-legged on his bed, regarding him evenly.

"Wotcher." she said softly. He didn't answer her, but sank down on the other end of the bed.

"You missed the Order meeting. Molly saved you some dinner."

"Bless her." he murmured hoarsely, starting to stand. He looked back at her. "I really can't talk right now." She nodded her understanding and he walked down to the kitchen where a plate sat on the table. He barely had time to warm it before he had already devoured it, the food warming his stomach gently. He quickly cleaned the plate then finished his chocolate he had forgotten about earlier that evening. He felt the remnants of something like a smile on his face, before it slipped away as easily as it had come. He heard a small noise as Tonks came down the stairs and into the kitchen. She deserved an explanation. He looked up at her. She was watching him carefully from where she stood, looking as if she couldn't decide to stay or to flee. He motioned for her to have a seat and she looked at him for a moment more, then did so. Her eyes were on his expectantly, waiting for him to say something first.

"I've been awful, Nymphadora." he said softly, and for once she didn't correct him, "Everything's just been going wrong since...since the Department of Mysteries, though...I just don't seem to know what to so with myself."

"We want to help you, Remus." she whispered, "All of us do." His eyes flashed suddenly.

"You didn't tell them, did you?" he asked.

"I told Molly. Please-don't be angry with me. I had to tell somebody!" she cried, wincing at the look on his face. It wasn't angry, just crestfallen.

"And I thought they couldn't look at me straight before." he murmured, shaking his head roughly.

"Are you doing it because of Sirius?" she asked, gently, knowing she was going somewhere he didn't want to talk about. But he knew that he needed to.

"I think so." he replied, "I just...guess I didn't think I could deal with another loss like that, and his was just...too big of a blow. Having to see it happen just made it worse..."

"You really loved him, didn't you?" He knew what kind of love she meant. Brotherly, that of a best friend and nothing more, but he nodded quickly. He wasn't ready to talk about his relationship with Sirius to anyone yet, they had been keeping it a secret for too long. She thought she knew everything that was on his mind, but she didn't. He wasn't about to complicate matters more, though. A knock on the front door made him jump and she put a hand on his shoulder.

"I'll get it." she offered, rising and retreating through the living room. He heard her swear loudly as she knocked something over, and the small smile was back, lasting this time. He heard a dull click as the door opened, then the low murmur of voices. They raised slightly then the door slammed. Tonks came back through the kitchen door, fuming visibly, a small bottle held precariously in her hand. She sat it on the table in front of her.

"Damn git scares me everytime he comes here." she murmured sinking back into her chair. He felt the light tingle of a laugh in his throat, strange and uncommon, but pleasant. His eyes were on the bottle, though, which he knew contained the Wolfsbane potion and his mind went back to the full moon and what he should expect tonight and all the reasons he shouldn't be looking at Tonks right now...the room was deadly silent. He looked up to see her staring at him worriedly. He sighed audibly, and stood.

"I'm going to make some tea to mix this in with. Dilute's the taste. Would you like some?"

"Please."

He busied himself with that, an excuse to stop the conversation for a few minutes. These were the times that magic made things too easy, because soon he was back at the table, two cups steaming in his hands. He sat one in front of her and quickly poured the contents of the small bottle into his own. He watched with a slight look of disgust as the potion bubbled and changed colors to a dull green, but sat with it anyway. The smell mingled with the light mint of her tea, and he held a breath like always before he drained it. Even with the tea, it still tasted awful. She saw him wince and gently touched his arm.

"Doesn't dilute the taste enough, right?" she asked, giving him a small smile. He nodded, surprised at how a single touch could make him feel. He felt like he wanted to drink her in, to explore every inch of her. He also knew, that if he let it be known, she would let him. She saw the change in his eyes and he felt her shift closer. His mind raced..._where's the harm? She wants it, too. You know she does. Just one night, Remus. One night and then...then you can disappear. Then you'll be satisfied... _He saw as his hand moved seemingly of its own accord to thread itself through her short hair and a glimmer of something-hope?-appeared in her eyes. She moved to press herself against him as his other hand rested on the small of her back. His lips roamed her face, gently, probing, until they met her own. A pale thought shone in his mind. _Maybe we can heal each other..._

His hands ran down her sides and she gasped as he bit the skin of her lip, almost ferally in his desperation to try to escape the chill inside of him. Her arms were thin and pale against him and her hands were running across his back as he kissed her, down her neck, biting the skin, then licking the bites. She shivered and pulled his face up to her own again. Their eyes met in a surge of heat and their lips were against each others again. He vaguely remembered her fumbling with the buttons on his shirt, revealing the scarred skin beneath, and of them going up the staircase and finding themselves in his bed. He didn't think they should be there, but by then common sense meant nothing. The effects of the full moon were making him more and more like a wolf, uncaring yet passionate, animal yet human. Her lips felt like a brand against his skin, but the kisses were like alcohol.

They woke together that night, just as the full moon shone blades through the window, falling across his bare skin and making him cry out. He was changing. Just like in his dream, but this time he had control of his actions. He let out a howl, hard and loud, that woke her up. She stumbled from the bed and fell to the floor, eyes wide as she surveyed the wolf sitting in front of her. Amber yellow eyes regarded her calmly but his mind was less so.

_So I scare her now..._


	7. Chapter 6: Decisions

Title: Lupine

Rating: T

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns everything but my odd little not-as-canon-as-it-could-be plot line.

A/N: I thought I fixed that evil last chapter! err...I didn't do that on purpose, my computer and I are just having a very bad relationship right now...I'll be working on it, though. It should be fixed before I even post this chapter. Typos. ( ...The bane of my existence. I can spell perfectly well when I'm actually writing on paper, but when I try to type (for example, I keep typing in .met instead of .net) ...these are the times you need a beta and desperately so. (**Later note**: IT SHOULD BE WORKING NOW!)

* * *

Chapter 6: Decisions

"_No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our life are made._

_Destiny is made known silently."_

-Agnes de Mille

Tonks pulled the blanket around her and stood, backing carefully into the corner. Remus watched her as she went, slightly amused. _Not so happy to be with me like this, I see..._ he thought, knowing he was being unfair, but not caring. He took a step forward and leapt neatly off the bed, landing on the floor in front of her. Gingerly, she reached out a hand.

"Remus?" she whispered. His eyes didn't soften as he nudged her, brushing against her legs and baring his teeth slightly, a low growl rising in his throat. She let out a small gasp as his mouth opened, but instead he simply turned and walked out of the open door. He could hear the pads of his feet making rough noises against the wood as he went into the library and curled up in front of the hearth. The fire blazed pleasantly, and he looked away from it, the flames warming his body. He lay his head down and shut his eyes, willing the warmth the pull him away into unconsciousness.

When he woke, the sun was just creeping into the window, filling the room with a dull pink light. He felt the pain as his bones grew again, the hair sinking in to reveal pale skin, and his teeth changing back to a normal size. The fire had gone out long ago, and he lay, bare and shivering, on the floor. He managed to stand and go back to his room, morbidly happy to see Tonks wasn't there. Quickly, he dressed and went back into the hallway. As he passed her room, he saw she was asleep in her bed, looking pale and shaken.

* * *

Once downstairs, his mind was already set on what he had to do, and without furthur thought, he disapparated.

He found himself at the gates of Hogwarts once again, this time opening them quickly and sprinting up the pathway. He made his way to the main entrance, stumbling slightly as he walked up the large steps and almost falling back in surprise when the door opened. The headmaster stood, staring at him over half-moon spectacles.

"Remus, what a pleasant surprise." His voice showed that he wasn't really surprised, which made Remus wonder how much he really knew but didn't tell them.

"Sir, can I talk to you?" he asked softly, and the headmaster nodded and led him into the school. They took seats in the entrance hall on the staircase. He was glad. He always got nervous when he tried to speak in his office. There were two many things to look at at once and it made his head spin. He noticed that Dumbledore was waiting for him to say something, so he continued, "I was wondering if their was something I could do for the Order. A mission...or something." He blushed. This conversation wasn't going at all how he planned.

"I'm glad you asked that." Dumbledore replied, offering him a smile that Remus didn't return, "I actually have something extremely important to ask of you in turn. If you choose to do it."

"Of course."

"Well, you're the only man for this particular job, due to your lycanthropy..." He proceeded to tell him about the underground hide-out for werewolf communities, and how they needed to win over their trust so they didn't go over to the Deatheaters first. Remus nodded as he spoke, biting a lip. He didn't know what to think about this. The headmaster fell silent.

"Well, sir." Remus said hesitantly, staring at the engravings on the wooden staircase, "I don't know how well this will work...but I'll do it." He smiled sadly at him.

"I thought you would. If you come up to my office I'll give you any information you may need."

* * *

An hour later he was walking down across the grounds again, a few papers grasped tightly in his hands. His knuckles were white and his eyes were shut tight as he went, thinking hard. He didn't know how he was going to do this. He had never been any touch with anyone like himself...his only recent encounter had been with the man sharing Arthur's room at the hospital...and he had only spoken to him briefly. He didn't know how they would react to him coming. All he knew for sure was this was something he had to do, for himself and for the Order.

_At least I'll get away from Number 12..._ he thought grimmly, not wanting to know what Tonks would say when she got the news. He wasn't leaving without telling her, though. He found himself suddenly at the gates to leave, shocked at how short a time it had taken. He opened them, walked a few feet away, then apparated back to his room again.

It looked exactly the same as when he left it, the sheets messy and sprawled half-way across the room, the wardrobe open with the clothes scattered out. He fixed it with a flick of his wand. With that done, he went downstairs to see Tonks at the table, head buried in a pile of papers. She looked up as he came in.

"I've got something to tell you, Nymphadora." he said, staying where she was. She didn't say anything.

"I'm going away." he continued quietly, finding it very hard to meet her dark eyes as they stared at him, bright as stars.

"Away?" she whispered.

"For the Order. I'm...going to try to make peace...with the werewolves." he replied. She knocked over the papers as she stood, and they fell gently to lay like layers of snow on the ground.

"The werewolves?" she cried, "Remus! They...they..."

"Are just like me." he retorted calmly.

"Oh, I didn't mean it like I that...I...what if they _aren't _like you? What if there are ferals? What about the one who bit _you_?" she asked, quickly growing angry and upset at him, because she knew very well he was only doing this to get away.

"It's a risk I have to take." he said.

"Oh, so this is just a sudden move?" she asked, trying to fight her rising voice and losing, "Just had a fancy to go get yourself killed? I doubt that, Remus. I don't why you're running from me!"

"From you? Why are you assuming it's you?"

"Maybe because of last night?" Her voice dropped to a low, trembling whisper, "Maybe because I was a virgin before that?"

He blinked. "I-I didn't know."

"Because I didn't want to tell you."

"...oh, damn." he murmured, shaking his head roughly. She took a step towards him.

"I don't want you to leave." She reached out for him and he pushed her hand away.

"I have to." He whispered, backing away.

"No." Her eyes glistened with unshed tears and she bit her lip. She wasn't going to cry in front of him again.

"Good-bye, Nymphadora." He disapparated to his room before she could say anything else. Through his locked door he could hear her sob quietly, shuddering. He shut his eyes against the tears that would have come and the urge to go back down and hold her and cry with her. This wasn't a time to show weakness. He _had_ to do this. With a derisive flick, his clothes full into a suitcase and it shut with a satisfying click.

She didn't try and stop him, and he was glad for it as he went back through his kitchen and passed her where she sat.

"MY NAME ISN'T NYMPHADORA!" she yelled after him, voice breaking. He flinched, but kept walking. He thought he heard her whisper something else but couldn't turn back. As he shut the front door behind him, he leaned against it, breathing heavily.

_I'm sorry..._he thought, wishing he could tell her..._I'm sorry...but...I love you._


	8. Chapter 7: Padfoot and Moony

Title: Lupine

Rating: T

Disclaimer: la,de,da,de,da...I don't own it...never will...

A/N: Thanks goes to...Super Kawaii Lamb, snowbunny0405, Bryseis, and padfoots-smile for the reviews! ...now, for part 2. Which I didn't know was going to happen before but...I have no control over the characters, so here it is...

* * *

-------------PART TWO------------- 

Chapter 7: Padfoot and Moony

"_Today I begin to understand what love must be, if it exists... When we are parted, we each feel the lack of the other half of ourselves. We are incomplete like a book in two volumes of which the first has been lost. That is what I imagine love to be: incompleteness in absence_."

- Erich Fromm

Tonks stared at the door as it shut, shocked and speechless. His words hung in the air around her. Good-bye, Nymphadora. She blinked, then vaguely remembered yelling back. _You are an _idiot, _Tonks. _She thought derisively, holding herself back. She couldn't go after him now. _You are a childish, bloody idiot. No wonder he's leaving. It's not like you can blame him..._

She shook her head and ran to the front door, throwing it open. She stumbled down the stairs and fell to the sidewalk, in just enough time to see him disappear around the corner.

The people on the street skirted around her as her face crumpled and she stood on unreliable legs and sat back on one of the steps. She pulled her knees close against her. The tears that fell from her eyes were hot as they fell, inaudibly, to hit the pavement.

"Nymphadora?" For a brief moment she allowed herself to have the slightest amount of hope that it might be him...she glanced up to see Dumbledore there, looking down at her with concern. Her face fell again.

"Are you all right, my dear?" he asked, taking a seat next to her, drawing glances from passer-by due to his strange appearance.

"Yeah." she said shakily, attempting a smile, "I'm _fine_." She sniffed. "Just wonderful."

"Wonderful?"

"What else would I be?"

"You seem distraught." he offered and she shrugged. "Is Remus around?" She swallowed hard.

"He's gone." To her surprise, she felt laughter bubbling in her throat. "Gone." She repeated, giggling slightly, stray tears falling down her cheeks. Her laughing was loud and desperate, more like a sob, as her shoulders shook and she buried her head in her hands. The headmaster put his hand on her shoulder comfortingly and she cried as she laughed, a mix of emotions so strange to her that she didn't know what to think of it.

"He'll be back." he said finally.

"You don't understand." she murmured.

"Maybe not. There are many things I do not understand." She snorted and he smiled gently.

"I wouldn't say many." she said.

"There are _many_ things in this world." She found herself smiling again.

"Is there anything I can help you with, sir?" she asked, looking up at him. His blue eyes surveyed her quietly and he shook his head.

"I have a feeling you want to be alone." he replied, clasping her shoulder once more, "I can find Remus myself. Would you like me to relay a message?" She shook her head quickly, vibrant hair obscuring her eyes.

"Sure you don't want to come in? Have some...err...tea?" She said awkwardly. He declined again and set off back down the street. She watched him disappear, then stood and went back into the house. She felt odd, but not in the way she had expected to. She almost felt...normal. The only change in the atmosphere of the house was that it was deadly quiet, every creak of the tired floorboards making her heart ache a bit. There wasn't the quiet rustle of pages or the sound of careful footsteps. It was eerie and she barely managed to sink into a chair by the empty fire place before her knees gave out. She stared at the remnants of ashes, gray and cold, from her last attempt at cleaning it and frowned slightly. This was all wrong. She was supposed to feel empty and heart-broken...but her heart was just a dull, steady beat against her chest.

She massaged her legs gently, then stood again, unconsciously walking up to his room. She knelt by the bed and dug underneath it, pulling out a rough wooden box. She had caught him looking at it before, but hadn't explored further. She felt like she needed to now. With slightly trembling fingers, she raised the lid and caught sight of some movement inside. Reaching in, she pulled out a stack of old photographs, dusty and frayed. The first showed a younger Remus, no gray-streaks in his sandy brown hair, and Sirius, still happy without the traces of Azkaban on his face, their arms around each other's shoulders, easy grins on their faces. She traced the edges on them with one finger, and they fell away, blackened and frail...as if someone had started to burn it...

The next showed a picture of James and Lily on their wedding day. Her white gown was shifting gently in the wind of early spring and his hair stood on end. They never looked away from each other. She remembered going to the wedding when she was younger, how everything seemed perfect and how she said that's what she wanted her wedding to be like when she grew up...

The pictures fell from her fingers as she flipped to the next one, withholding the gasp in her throat. Slowly, she reached to pick it up. It showed a dimmly lit room. James, Sirius, and Peter sat in a row of seats away from Remus who was quietly sitting in the front, eyes looking straight ahead. His black suit was frayed and you could see the beginning threads of gray in his hair. At the very front of the room there was a coffin made of dark wood...

She made herself continue. The next was the last in the stack, and what she saw made her start. It was Sirius, his grey eyes darker then normal, his black hair long and face stretched. She saw his hand laced with someone else's. The other hand was familiar, scarred and hairless. Remus. She dropped the pictures back into the box and shut her eyes. That's why he couldn't stay?

She picked up a bundle of letters from the box and untied them with deft fingers. One fell from the envelope, falling softly to the floor. She picked it up.

_Dear Moony, _

_Can you believe Prongs is going to be a father? I almost feel sorry for their kid. At least Lily has some common sense, something most of us seem to lack, even though we're 'adults' now. Hard to believe we're never going back to school..._

_So, how has freedom been treating you? I really miss you, Moony._

_-Padfoot_

She smiled slightly, remembering the first time she'd heard them use their nicknames. It was when she was still a little girl and they came to watch her on a school vacation. She always admired the four of them, but Sirius and Remus more then anything. The next letters were like that, all from Sirius, leading up until right before Lily and James died. The last few ones were desperate, filled with doubt and she felt the tears linger in her eyes as she read. She knew this was wrong, that it was none of her business, but she needed to know this.

She dropped the last letter in the box, the closing line lingering in her mind as she started to cry again.

_I love you, Moony._


	9. Chapter 8: Normal

Title: Lupine

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I don't own them...and unless I develop mind powers of some sort, I never will.

A/N: Been awhile. Writer's block. Third attempt. All I have to say. _L is for lovvvveee meeeee! _

* * *

Chapter 8: Normal

_"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."_

-Albert Camus

With shaky hands, she snapped the lid of the box shut and slid it back beneath the bed. She watched the dust rise in pale, smoke-like tendrils as her mind raced with everything she had found out. So it wasn't her he was running from. It was the memories. She didn't know how she could have been so blind as not to notice it before. He didn't _just_ miss his best friend. He had..._loved _him.

She tried to grasp the concept, but it seemed so strange to her. Had no one noticed before? How had they kept a secret like that for so long? Was that the only reason he was leaving? She wondered if he had ever actually felt anything for her or if it was merely a way to escape the chill inside him. Then she remembered the way he held her, and she knew it was more then a lust or an excuse. It was all warmth and softness...

It was hard for her to stand, the weight of it all bearing down on her shoulders, making her whole body tremble with the effort. She held onto the bedpost, the traces of tears still shining on her cheeks. Slowly, she made her way downstairs, her breath coming quick and hard. She managed to sink down into one of the kitchen chairs, and quietly lay her head on the table, praying for unconsciousness. It was granted, but only for a few brief moments, then a realization hit that almost made her fall from her chair. Work. She had to go to work...merlin, Kingsley was going to kill her! She managed to get back upstairs and pull on clean clothes before she apparated.

Everything was in place at her desk, her quills and ink stacked next to each other, a pile of papers neatly in the middle. _Someone broke in and organized my desk...the fiends..._she thought lazily at first, taking a seat and picking up the paper on top.

"Tonks?" She glanced up to see Kingsley standing over her, and was surprised to see concern on his face.

"Wotcher." she said softly, thinking of the worst.

"Are you okay? I didn't recognize you. Your hair..." he drew off and she frowned, then looked at a lock of it. It had turned a dull, lank brown and hung morosely to her shoulder. She tucked it behind her ears self-consciously.

"I've just had a cold." she lied, trying to smile at him. It hurt too much. The action was too familiar.

"Right." His voice sounded like he didn't believe her. She raised her eyebrows.

"I just thought...since Lupin was gone..."

"Why would you think that?" she snapped, eyes narrowing. She hated when he was right.

"Oh, I-I...umm..." She had never heard Kingsley stutter before and at any other time she would have been impressed with herself, or she would have laughed. She knew it wasn't like any other time, though. There was no way she was going to be able to lead a normal life if she let them know that, though.

"Look, can you just tell me what I missed? Please?" she asked sincerely, dark eyes pleading. He relented, and knelt by her desk so they were level with each other.

"There hasn't been much action in the whole deatheater category. Apparently they've taken something of a holiday." She snorted derisively and he motioned to the stack of paper. "All you've got to do is read over those, sign them off, then you should be done." She nodded and he retreated quickly.

Several hours later she was signing the last paper in the stack, a long streak of ink down her cheekbone. She let out a sigh of relief. _The reports had been entertaining, at least_, she thought bitterly, _Really, suspected dark magic down in Kent. Bar glasses move at the local pub. More like a restless poltergeist or a bored customer, if you ask me..._She shoved the papers back into a pile, wincing as the edges sliced through the pad of her thumb. The minute drops of blood fell onto the stark white parchment, leaving tiny crimson stains. She walked the aisle through the cubicles and could feel eyes follow her. Of course, they would notice she had been gone...

_News spreads fast in the Ministry...usually you can get it there first before the Prophet sugarcoats it. That's why you've got to stay on there, 'Dora. _She remembered Sirius saying that when she had first joined the Order and asked about quitting her job. She hadn't become an auror to sit at a desk and wait for things to happen.

As she passed Kingsley's desk, she dropped the papers in front of him, then kept walking. She would go to Hogsmeade or somewhere and maybe try to eat, and if that didn't work she could go to The Three Broomsticks. Maybe that would help take her mind off of it.

* * *

Tonks woke the next day with a dull headache and stumbled from the mass of sheets. It was saturday. Saturday. She didn't have to go in today...she could sleep this whole thing off...the pain in her head grew as she realized that she wasn't going back to sleep anytime soon. She looked down at the wrinkled state of her clothes and flicked her wand hopefully. Nothing happened.

She sighed as she kicked off her shoes that she'd fallen asleep in and made her way downstairs. She stopped. Someone was in the living room. Quietly, she drew her wand then ran forward to open the door.

"Tonks!" She let out a breath. It was Molly.

"What are you doing here?" she asked and the older witch took a step forward.

"I heard what happened with Remus. I thought you might want to talk."

"Oh. Well..." Talking would be nice. She hadn't had someone to talk to before..."I suppose." she whispered.


	10. Chapter 9: Words

Title: Lupine

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I'm just borrowing them, honestly.

A/N: The talk before the talk mentioned in the beginning of HBP (in which both Remus and Tonks make frighteningly few appearances...down with the main characters...). This chapter is only700 or so words because I still have writer's block and this...let's call it drabble, shall we...is all I could get out. Much apologies.

* * *

Chapter 9: Words

_"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."_

-Inigo Montoya, _The Princess Bride_

Tonks remembered apparating to the Burrow and she remembered sitting at the table and she remembered the cup of tea in her hands. The smell was like home as she breathed it in. Molly's face was set calmly as she took a seat in front of her, making small talk. She knew that she should get to the point and tell her everything. _How do you tell someone that, though? _she thought vaguely, her head swimming as thoughts flew through it.

"So. He's gone." Molly's voice made it sound as if he had gone out for groceries. Tonks winced.

"Yes." Let her think she didn't care. She knew better.

To her surprise, Molly smiled. "What are you going to do about it?" What was she going to do about it? Wasn't this supposed to be one of those tea and sympathy things where she got to cry and tell her everything and feel better about it all? Tonks looked up at her. What _was_ she going to do about it?

"I can't exactly chase him." she replied dryly, "I don't even know where it is, and I would look like an idiot even if I did."

"Do you love him?" That was the question. She didn't know what love was, though. Maybe what she felt for Remus, but...could you call that love? Love was when you commited your life to someone and never got tired of listening to their voice and would sacrifice anything to be with them. She loved his voice.

"Do you?" Molly persisted.

"I don't know." Tonks heard herself murmur. She wasn't lying. She didn't know.

"I think you do." she continued, "You just can't figure out why."

"If I do then I know why." Tonks interrupted sharply, looking down at the table again, "It's _everything_. His eyes...and his voice and the way he talks to you like what you're saying is the only important thing. You know? The way his hair falls in his eyes when he's talking...and his hands..." She drew off, blushing. This was going to a place she didn't want to talk about. Molly nodded knowingly.

"You love him." She loved him? Dear God...she did. She loved him so much she could barely breath.

"I love him." she whispered.

"You love who?" Ginny had walked in, a smile on her face, her bright hair ruffled.

"No one." Molly retorted quickly, shooting Tonks a glance and standing. She waved her wand and the two empty cups flew into the sink. Ginny stared as she left the room, then took a seat in front of Tonks.

"What was that about?" she asked suspiciously.

"Nothing. We were just talking." Tonks replied, blushing and looking away.

"I doubt that, but you don't look as if you are going to tell me, so..." Ginny drew off hopefully, and Tonks shook her head.

"I really can't, Gin." she said softly, standing and smoothing her clothes, "Maybe someday...when things make more sense."

"Things never make sense." the younger witch murmured, as Tonks opened the front door. Ginny froze, then called after her, "Is it Professor Lupin?" Tonks blinked, swore quietly, then disapparated.

_Great..._she thought, stumbling as she found herself in the living room at Number 12, _Everyone knows how hopeless I am now..._

She bit her lip as she walked forward and into the kitchen, going to the cabinets. She rummaged through them for a moment until she pulled out a bar of chocolate. She knew it was Remus's...but nothing else looked right to her, and it was satisfying knowing she could take something from him, too. She took a bite and shut her eyes. It didn't taste as good as it normally would have. That's when she decided something was truly wrong with her.


	11. Chapter 10: Dreams, Part Deux

Title: Lupine

Rating: T

Disclaimer: The slightly disagreeable characters below are owned by someone in a different country, with a different name...with a much, much larger bank account...

A/N: The writer's block is slowly falling away...and this has to be one of my favorite chapters. Listen to Mazzy Star. It's a drug in music form and is responsible for this.

* * *

Chapter 10: Unwelcome Dreams

"_So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable_."

-Christopher Reeve

The sun shone through the slats in her window, her eyes flickering open with a slight moan. She hadn't wanted to wake up. The dreams were wonderful, in a painful way. She tried to remember it before it slipped away...

She was five again. Sirius and his friends had come to visit her mother and Remus was sitting outside on the grass with her. It was hot and dry beneath them. They hadn't had any rain all summer.

He was twirling a limp yellow flower between his fingers that she had found for him earlier, childhood happiness flooding her body at one of his rare, fleeting smiles. The kind that he only gave her.

The other boys were inside with Andromeda, talking about school and work and whatever was happening to them that day. She knew that Remus was more comfortable around people who were younger then he was, and that adults made him seem more introverted then he actually was, and that was the only reason he was out in the sun with her. At the time, he seemed to be the strangest and most interesting person she knew, and he fascinated her in all his fifteen-year-old, quiet glory.

"Nymph?" He was looking at her, amber eyes like precious metal in the sunlight, hard and soft in all the ways that would have made her ache if she had been older and understood fully what pain meant to someone who felt it every day.

"Huh?" Her voice sounded strangely high to her, innocent and careless.

"What do you think about wolves?" he asked. His voice held a depth of something she couldn't quite place. Wolves? She didn't know how to answer...she always felt strange answering Remus, never wanting to get the question wrong, thinking it would hurt him somehow.

"Well..." she ventured, "Mama read me a story once..." He winced, but she didn't notice, "A little girl almost got eaten by a wolf...so-so they can't be very good, can they?"

He shook his head.

"No. They can't."

She looked at him, then past, to see Sirius at the window...

The next one came forward through the shifting darkness of catalepsy, a scene she remembered from right before her first year. The four boys had come to 'educate' her about school and it ended up with her in tears and running outside. The trees behind her house were her refuge and she was curled up underneath one when she heard the dull snap of a twig behind her. She didn't look up as Remus sank down next to her.

"Hey, Nymph."

She wiped the tears away with the back of her hand. She didn't like to cry in front of him.

"You shouldn't listen to Sirius, you know." To her surprise he was smiling. That made her angry so she didn't reply.

"He just a git, anyway." He was trying to make her laugh. It almost worked. "You're going to do great things, Nymph. And I'll be there watching you any time you need me." She met his eyes as a warm hand clasped her shoulder gently.

"How do you know?" she whispered, voice echoing slightly as she woke...

Now she sat on her bed, her legs curled tightly beneath her, her body shaking in the slightest of ways. He had lied to her that day. He wasn't here...and she needed him now more then ever. She wanted things to make sense again! This house seemed too big to live in alone, though...too dark, too familiar.

It was Sunday. Today she could stay in the house and mourn and cry and be as pathetic as everyone assumed she was. Or she could do something about it.

Why should she let Remus control her like this? There were plenty of guys who would go out with her if she asked.

Yes. That's what she'd do. If he could leave her like this, then...why shouldn't she?

* * *

A few hours later Tonks was back in her room, rummaging through her closet. She had met Charlie Weasley in Hogsmeade and they had agreed to have dinner together, to talk about school and the Order...she knew that it wasn't a date, but it made her feel better. She pulled on a skirt quickly, then a clean white shirt, and looked in the mirror. She looked terrible. Shadows hung in dark streaks below her eyes and her cheeks looked thinner then usual. The freckles that scattered the bridge of her small nose stood out against the white of her skin. She screwed up her face and tried to change her hair but all it did was shake slightly. It was still the lank, mousy brown that she was born with.

With a sigh, she found a pair of heels and slipped them on. She wasn't going to let it bother her today.

* * *

They sat on the sidewalk in the darkening evening, ice cream dripping down the cones they held tightly in their hands. She liked the feeling. It felt nice, like home and childhood and everything she wanted to remember right then. Charlie was grinning at her, a flash of white teeth against his tan face and she was smiling back. They were still friends, just like during school. She realized she didn't want anymore then that and she never had.

"So, are you still staying at Number 12?" he asked, biting into his cone. It cracked loudly as it broke off.

"Yeah." she shifted uncomfortably, eyes on the people as they walked by. A couple held hands and kissed. She looked down.

"Does it not feel...odd? Being there alone?" She nodded slightly.

"I don't really have anywhere else, though."

"Mum wouldn't mind you staying at the Burrow for awhile. Ginny'd share her room."

"That's okay, Charlie." They were standing now. Tonks winced as she heard another couple laugh somewhere behind them. Charlie moved to hug her quickly and before she could stop herself, her lips had found his. She felt awful, yet happy, as he pulled away. It hadn't meant anything to her.

"Tonks?" His voice was soft, his eyebrows furrowed.

"Sorry." she whispered suddenly, taking two steps back then disapparating.


	12. Chapter 11: Anticipation and Return

Title: Lupine

Rating: T

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling own the characters...the fangirls own the first ship...J.K. Rowling owns the second ship...I just kind of provide the rest.

A/N: I want to get this to up to HBP. Soon. Very, very soon. Here's my attempt. I lost track of what month they are in...we'll say it's the end of summer...oO. Part of this dialogue was taken directly from the book for the sake of being sort of canon.

* * *

Chapter 11: Anticipation and Return

"_She used to drag her mattress beside her low window and lay awake for a long while, vibrating with excitement, as a machine vibrates from speed. Life rushed in upon her through the window-or so it seemed. In reality, of course, life rushes from within, not from without. There is no work of art so big or beautiful that was not once all contained in some youthful body, like this one which lay on the floor in the moonlight, pulsing with ardor and anticipation_."

-Willa Cather, _The Song of the Lark_

The next day Tonks was sitting on her bed after work, shifting through papers. She had talked to Charlie earlier and explained everything and he said that he understood, and he didn't blame her. She was humming quietly to herself as she wrote, a small smile playing on her lips, the ink running in thin lines across her hands. She looked up suddenly as something blocked part of the light that shone through her window and hit the glass with a thud. She snorted, then opened the window to let the tiny, fluffy owl in.

"Hey, Pig." she murmured soothingly as it darted about, and she carefully snatched the parchment away from him.

_Get over here RIGHT NOW._

Molly's handwriting was reduced to a splotchy scrawl that ran sideways across the paper. Tonks frowned then grabbed the owl and apparated to the kitchen of the Burrow.

"What is it, Molly?" She said as her vision cleared, then she realized that it wasn't Molly sitting at the table.

"Hello, Nymphadora." Her heart seemed to stop for a few moments as she met his amber eyes squarely and took a step back. There were two scars running across his cheeks, new and harsh and red. There were still the aftermaths of a black eye showing, faintly grey against his skin. She didn't answer him.

"Are you all right?" he asked.

"All right?" she choked out, feeling laughter bubble up like fire in her throat, "_All right_? What do you think?" He frowned and she continued, "I'm just assuming this is the reason Molly owled me and ordered me to come over?" She heard a small noise from the living room and glared as a flash of red hair disappeared around the corner.

"I suppose." His voice was calm but his eyes betrayed him.

"Well...I can't talk to you." Her mind was screaming to talk to him. "I can't."

"Fair enough." he murmured, and she looked at him one last time before she apparated back to her room. With one low, trembling breath, she shifted all the papers back into an envelope and sat them on her desk. She couldn't worry about them now. Gingerly, she walked from her room into his, and slid the box out from beneath his bed. She would have to confront him soon about the pictures. If he ever came to the house again.

_But I don't care if he does ever come..._she thought, derisively, feeling something like tears sting her eyes..._I don't care. _

She looked at the box held tightly in her shaky hands then swore softly.

_I do care..._

She disapparated.

* * *

The kitchen was empty this time but Molly came in when she heard her.

"Where is he?" Tonks asked breathlessly. Molly pointed wordlessly outside and Tonks ran, stumbling over a chair once, then regaining her balance and flying outside. He was standing in the garden, looking quiet and thoughtful and Remus. He looked up as she walked over to him and shoved the box roughly into his arms.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she cried, eyes blazing, "You should have told me!"

"How could I have told you?" he asked, voice shaking only slightly, "That's not something you tell people."

"You could have told _me_. You know you could have." she whispered, biting her lip so hard that she drew blood, "I would have...I would have understood."

"After what I did? I couldn't exactly tell you that I was still...still in love. Even if he's dead." It felt strange to hear him say it, even though she already knew and thought that she understood.

"Can't you still love...someone else?" Her voice was below a whisper now.

"Even if I could...I can't, though...not you. There's too many complications, too many problems...you're too _young_, Nymph." he said, shaking his head, "And I'm too old. I was there when you were born, for God's sake."

"Do you think that matters to me?" she asked, eyes narrowed, "I-don't-care. I don't care what you are or how old you are or that you turn into a wolf at a change in the moon! I don't care!"

"Well, I do." he whispered.

"Good, then." She touched his hands and closed them tighter around the box. "Live with your memories. See how you feel." She took a step back. "Your room is still there for you. I've not rented it out or anything."

One more step.

"You know, since I'm such a terrible person. I guess you're surprised that I didn't."

One more.

"Nymph..."

"Good-bye, Remus." she finished mockingly, turning on her heel and striding back inside. She heard the noise as he disapparated with the slightest of satisfaction. Molly was sitting on the table, looking at the wood and obviously pretending like she hadn't heard anything. Tonks took a seat in front of her and hid her shaky hands in her lap.

"Can we talk again?" she whispered.

* * *

Tonks stayed there for most of that day, sitting with a cup of tea and talking and trying to work everything out that was never really meant to be worked out. She jumped as someone knocked on the door. A few seconds later, Molly opened it to let Dumbledore and Harry in.

After speaking to Molly, they turned to her.

"Ah, hello, Nymphadora!" Dumbledore's voice was soft and pleasant. She tried to smile at them.

"Hello, Professor, " she said, nodding at both of them in turn, "Wotcher, Harry."

"Hi, Tonks." The sixteen-year-old was looking at her strangely...she wondered if he knew.

"I'd better be off." she stood and glanced at Molly significantly, "Thanks for the tea and sympathy, Molly." She pulled her cloak arond her tighter, looking away from them and turning towards the doorway.

"Please, don't leave on my account." _Why does he have to be so polite? _she thought, wincing, _I need to get out of here! _"I cannot stay, I have urgent matters to discuss with Rufus Scrimgeour."

"No, no, I need to be going." she replied, quickly, not looking up, "'Night..." Molly interrupted her kindly.

"Dear, why not come to dinner at the weekend, Remus and Mad-Eye are coming...?"

"No." Tonks replied, then caught the coldness in her voice and continued, "No, really, Molly...thanks anyway...Good night, everyone." Dinner with Remus in front of everyone didn't sound like something that would go too well with her now. Without another word she walked out and apparated back to Grimmauld Place. She heard the low murmer of someone singing as she walked into the kitchen and saw Remus standing at the counter, stirring a cup of cocoa.

"_Bien, bien, a dit un vieux vrai amour, _

_bien, bien a dit il.. _

_J'ai seulement retourné du sel, la mer de sel, _

_et c'est tout pour mon amour de te.. " _

She stopped in the doorway to listen. His voice was soft and deep, making tears spring in her eyes.

"I didn't know you spoke French." He turned and almost knocked over his cup.

"Oh." he murmured, "Yeah."

"It's...it's nice." She wiped her eyes roughly and took a seat. It was time to do something. "I'm not going to pester you about..._this_, anymore." she said vaguely, "But I think...we should, at least, still be friends." It hurt to say that. "I mean...you don't have anywhere else to go, and neither do I...and I don't want to live in the same house if we aren't speaking to each other." He took a seat across from her, drinking quickly.

"I agree."

"Do you want to...to talk about it, though? What I found out?"

He didn't reply.

"I just thought that...you probably hadn't told anyone...but you might...you might want to." she whispered.

A few long, silent seconds passed by before he finally said something.

"Maybe someday, Nymph."


	13. Chapter 12: Nothing Left to Do but Wait

Title: Lupine

Rating: T

Disclaimer: After 11 of these, do you really think I own it?

A/N: Back to Remus's P.O.V. ...my updating is awful and I give you full permission to tell me so. I'm attempting to pull up a plot for La Lune pleine Elevee (I remembered how to spell it!) by working in some more about the Marauders...and Lily and Remus's friendship. _Friendship_. The act of being _friends. _Basically more reminiscing and talking in this chappie. Not much plot action goin' around.

* * *

Part 3-------Chapter 12: Nothing Left to Do but Wait

"_Oh to be free of myself,_

_With nothing left to remember,_

_To have my heart as bare_

_As a tree in December_."

-Sara Teasdale, _Songs for Myself_

The wall between the rooms seemed thin as paper, letting the light noises of sleepless nights slip through. Remus could hear her low, uneven breathing and sighed. There was nothing he could do for her now. She understood. His eyes blinked helplessly against the dark, one hand grasping a photograph in it that now seemed blurred and twisted and too familiar.

The rough squeak of her mattress brought his thoughts back to the present. Small bits of ashes fell from the picture, from his last attempt to rid himself of it. But know she _knew_. It wasn't another thing he had to hide, another secret he had to make sure he kept. He could...maybe...he could talk to her about it. Just like he used to. With Lily. She was the only other one to know. Not even James, living in the same dormitory with them for seven years, figured it out.

Lily had always been a step ahead of the rest of them, a fleeting burst of light and temper. She felt no more dead to him than Sirius did or James. All of them had been ever-present sources of energy and resolve for him back at school, and nothing could make him fully comprehend that the only ones still living were him...and Peter. Peter, who was worse than dead, who had broken every rule or pact they had ever made when they were still_ just _boys. Things that mattered more than anything to Remus right now. Things that had been law then.

He shifted uncomfortably in the sheets. There wasn't anything he could do now. There was nothing left to do, but wait and hope that everything was going to work out for the better. Surely, after all that had happened, everything would work out for the better.

* * *

That morning he got up early, his eyes still clear from sleeplessness, his mind still alive with wordless memories. It was all he could do to steer away from the room next to him, all he could do to keep back everything he'd always been able to keep back until now. He descended the stairs, each quiet step echoing in the dull silence of dawn. The kitchen window cast shadows and blades of light around the room as he sat down at the table. His finger traced the carving in the wood and he smiled.

"Sirius..." he murmured, "I don't know if you can hear me. You probably think I'm a git for acting like this...like I should get over it all without a second thought...you probably think you aren't _that_ important to me. But you were...you are. I don't know _how_ to get over you. It's too soon. Tonks is amazing and she's likes you in so many ways...but she still isn't the same. I don't see you in her eyes.

"It's just...I don't want to hurt her. I love her. Not like I love you, though. It's not even close to that."

He blinked and shook his head. If Sirius actually heard him now, he would've made fun of him. Said he was acting like a girl and needed to get over himself and choose.

"You're dead, Sirius." He whispered, closing his eyes, "And no matter how much it hurts, you always will be. I know that. I should...why shouldn't I let her in? Why shouldn't I tell her everything?"

_Because you'll hurt her...just like you did them when you lied to them. You saw the pain in their eyes...even if they didn't show it. _His thoughts threw his feelings back at him. _How do you know this is love? How do you this isn't just lust disguised as it, something to bring back your dead lover? He's not coming back. _Remus wasn't going to cry now. He wouldn't let himself.

"Why shouldn't you tell me everything?" Her voice was groggy yet sharp as she took the last step and sank down next to him. She glared at him. He swallowed hard.

"How much did you hear?" He asked softly.

"More then enough." She said, eyes narrowed, "And I think you're acting like an idiot." He almost laughed. Maybe she was more like Sirius then he thought. He tried to smile but the sharpness of her gaze stopped him.

"I don't know." he replied honestly.

"Then why don't you let me ask you some things?" she said, voice a few degrees gentler, one small hand resting on top of his own in a swift, friendly motion. He drew in a breath, then nodded.

"Who else knew about you and Sirius?" He looked at her strangely, thinking how odd it was that she could speak about it so normally, so calmly.

"Lily." he replied, "She could tell. And...she found us one time...that confirmed her suspicions, I suppose. I begged her not to tell James, because Sirius had run off the moment he saw her. She promised. I knew that James would find it harder to accept. Sirius was his best friend, you know? He thought he knew everything about him. He was jealous when he started spending more time with me then him, but James was far too into Quidditch to notice anything much."

Tonks nodded and he continued, "Lily didn't seem to disagree with it. She was always more open-minded then most others, even myself. I sometimes thought what we were doing was wrong, but Sirius always convinced me otherwise. In the end...he was right. It didn't matter what everyone else said. Just what we did."

He looked at her and she knew he was done. "She was the only one?" she asked.

"Until you." She blushed.

"I probably shouldn't have looked at your things." she whispered. He shrugged.

"Maybe it's for the better."


End file.
